Not sure of what’s up–what to do? hm–just not sure if I’m (wanting to say I have) “BPD”.

I know I’ve had a lot (a lot.) of abandonments since early childhood (possibly along with abuses I can not/do not recall);
I know I have been physically disabled (adrenal disorder–wrongly [mis-]treated as a diabetic for 15 years, now perhaps losing my vision) since age ~22 (I now approach the big four-oh!);
And, I know that I am traumatized by some serious mental and physical abuse (mental from family–who is now pretty much all dead [parents both dead--I have no siblings: physical abuse from one boyfriend who shattered my leg in 2001. the leg nearly killed me with bone infections; I now have a severe neurological pain disorder, etc. etc. etc.!]).

Also I am well traumatized by people who took, and continue to take, grevious advantage of such a pacifist (!?) as myself, seeing as I can’t run very fast, don’t quite see well enough to drive any longer, and have little money.
(what–Punching people? yelling bad words?… what?… [and when do I "get to do all that"?]?!)

I know that my fear of abandonment has me mostly kept to myself–even though I am a very gregarious, “extroverted” person (ENFP in fact). Hey, why not? I love to talk to whomever I do (you all, today).

See, but all this is how I know that using seemingly-silly little tools such as “Daily Buddhist Wisdom” daily emails can save a life (mine, to wit, when remaining ‘family’ sued me for everything I had, when Mom passed… including my only child).

And because I read my “silly little emails”, I also know that further reading–such as learning about the grave injustices in this world, and doing the smidgen that I *can* do (being very below the poverty line, now, thank-you abandoning ‘family’+illnesses)–helps.

By “helps”, I mean HELPS EVERYONE!
(–in ways that most people choose not to help–but choose, instead, to turn on their brain-killing televisions, run up their credit purchasing things crafted by starving children on some remote continent, and stuff their bodies with harmful non-foods [created thanks to the tortured lives & deaths of quadrillions-and-more voiceless, choice-less animals].)

Like, if I feel so so so bad… knowing that one billion people don’t have water, or adequate water, makes me weep with gratitude over the tiniest things–yes-yes, Jodi Raven Hawk, mourning doves! all birds! they make me, too, weep with joy–it gives me Gratitude.

That’s right. Gratitude that I have survived… that I have been so kind and quiet in all, all, all of this.

Okay, fine, yes the pain is towering! maybe I do “have” “bpd”. -laughs-

Yet: Show me who is not in pain (my philosophical mind offers me [and you].)

I have Pain… emotional, physical… but I ask, is this how I burn this brightly?
I love helping others–and have helped literally millions of people (in owning a very huge website that, like this lovely Doctor, refuses to censor people’s words).

I’m a very talented artist.

I have the power and will to make just about anyone in despair laugh or think of something wonderful… and do so.

It’s the same for everyone!
Just one day, one hour, one minute, one (their-loss-if) transient friend, at a a time… how could I complain of this blessed soul I am given!
How many people are this passionate or empathetic? let alone have relatively clean water, just for one little day?

I must be lucky… I must be BPD…

And Yet,
with no support system and hardly enough money for food, at this time… I may just continue to keep quiet and be that ostensible “rock” for others to depend on–and leave–as they will.
I cry for a day or three, and then I stop…
I’m used to it.

Must I now admit, submit–
be labeled? must I be unrecognized for these decades of Survival, Despite It ALL (diagnoses of fatal illnesses–I studied and healed myself, largely–ALONE)?
–work even harder-harder-hardest, though I have done nothing but work and work and work, to be good and good and better, All Of My Life… and, I PROMISE YOU, am working now (as my roommate abuses my peaceful nature with her Very Loud TV–because she thinks it funny–for the seventh month in a row)?

And, I think… I HAVE “been good”.

Actually, I *know* it.

The cutest thing of all:
I know that, should any of my multi-millionaire remaining relatives, ever have to face one-tenth what I have *seen*, that they would commit suicide.
No doubt!

Well. Rather than a label, and slavery to some drug and some other… god knows what,
I think I would maybe like some applause (though that makes me feel shy and sort of cringe),
and some “WOW! how did you LIVE? what an inspiration!”s…
Rather than…….
“Great. If it’s not one thing with that girl, it’s another.”

Just recognition would be okay with me… and maybe a safe home and healthy food. I know I can do so much more… more art, more help… and then what? and then, well…

Life is short: My parents are long-gone. I was supposed to be dead by age 23 or so, but I fought and fought and fight it off… the past just about ten years of it, ALONE.
But-but-but, but, then what?…

Well, and then I’ll die, like everyone else does. With my stubbornness, I’ll probably be kind of old (or very old), too.
I’ll do it feeling despair some or all days, like I have…
…knowing it was another life lived out of trillions.
And that I did good.

In Grinning, White-Joy Glowing Despair,
–And Always Lovingly!,
“Jaxxy”…=).

Thank you for this comment. It is my ultimate goal to always offer hope to anyone suffering with any kind of disorder.

Unfortunately stigmas are hard to break, but as long as WE know what is true versus just plain stereotyping or lumping people together, that will just have to be enough. Those with disorders are the ones who have to live with themselves, and hence, must love themselves for who and what they are… while allowing others to have their beliefs.

Those who suffer know what is real and what they have to deal with every day. One day at a time…believe in yourself!

All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com

Sadly I don’t see that happening so long as the stigma and ignorance exists as it is. Thanks for this post.

Lola x

We have 30,000 members.
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

This video on communications might also be helpful for family members.
http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2c.htm

It sounds to me as that you have concerns that are very common for someone with a variety of different possible disorders according to the DSM. These are issues of control. When feeling in control, life seems manageable, but when feeling out of control, things seem to get out of hand and hopeless. This is very common and you are not alone.

It is very difficult for me to answer your very important questions here in this forum and I ask when people have these types of questions, they please visit me at DOCintheBiz where we can talk more in depth about your issues. When I talk with people in this way, give very individualized attention and answers to meet the needs of each unique person. What you are asking is very valid and very important for you to understand and learn. I am here if you wish to take that step.

Hopefully, you are pairing the help of your psychiatrist with that of a therapist. If not, please again, feel free to write to me at DOCintheBiz and I would be happy to help you there.

Thank you so much for writing in and sharing your very personal experiences.

All my best,
Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com

Thank you so very much for this amazing comment you have taken the time to write here.

The information you provided gives so much encouragement and hope to those who deal with BPD every day. I am excited for others to read your words and take them to heart! You seem to be a very kind and compassionate soul with lots to give. I hope you will continue to visit my blog and add your knowledge and insight.

Thank you again.
All my best,

Dr. KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
http://www.GLCzone.com